I think I’m gay for my best friend . . .
July 11, 2012 § 6 Comments
I wouldn’t call it a full-blown crush, much less love, but I can no longer ignore whatever the fuck is going on with me.
I’ve always been open to experimenting and trying things out. I mean, it’s sort of a given that female sexuality is much more fluid than male sexuality. There are still many times when I wonder what it’d be like to kiss and fondle other girls, including my other female friends. But even if I know that my friends are open to experimenting as well, I just can’t imagine myself really doing anything with them because, well, it’s just awkward.
For instance, this one friend of mine and I have both openly stated in front of each other and our other friends that we want to experiment and such. But as we say those things, there’s this tacit agreement or understanding between us that we won’t experiment with each other because essentially, we have “friendzoned” the other. We act more like sisters than anything else anyway.
But with the friend in question, it’s different.
The first time I noticed anything really came as a jolt to the system. It wasn’t subtle or an epiphany or anything like that. It felt more like a slap in the face.
We were sitting in her car, parked in a random lot as we tried to figure out where to go next. We were talking animatedly about something — I always love talking with her — and I just happened to look over, nothing big, just a quick glance.
But within that moment, I felt this incredibly hot, intense desire to lean over and kiss her. Like really kiss her. It burned through me, frying my nerves like an electrical shock. I had to look away as quickly as possible and bite my lip quite hard because otherwise, I’m pretty sure I would have done it.
Good thing she was the one talking at that moment. The flash desire disappeared as quickly as it came, causing me to brush it off as nothing more serious than hormonal teenage sexual frustration.
Then much later on, when she told me she was dating, I was more surprised and incredulous than I had any right to be. More than anything else, though, I felt this tiny stab of pain, like a small barb of anguish slowly sinking into my chest, at the thought that she was “taken”. The pain was so small, though, that at the time I thought I was just jealous that she got a boyfriend before I did.
And then yesterday, we went out for a late brunch. As I slid into the booth, sitting across from her, I got this really uncomfortable feeling that this would have been date-like if I had been with a boy. I couldn’t look her straight in the eyes for a couple of moments, pretending to look at my phone or the menu as I tried to compose myself.
Later that night, we went swimming with others in one of our friend’s pool. Since it was a on-the-spur sort of decision, we just used our underwear as bathing suits. I’m pretty sure it was the first time we’ve gone swimming together, which in other words means that it was also the first time I saw so much exposed skin. God, that sounds unbelievably horrible. Anyway, I couldn’t stop gazing at her body out of my peripheral vision.
I’m rubbing my face in my hands at this moment. I can’t believe I’m telling you all this. But there’s this funny thing to me that, if I admit my feelings, however insubstantial or unsure they may be, they’ll go away. Maybe if I try to put this whole thing into words, the feelings will fade away. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.
Anyway, beyond specific moments, there are more general trends.
I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that I found her beautiful since the moment I saw her. My first impression of her was this tall, imposing girl who wore sweatshirts, yoga pants, and glasses with long, unkempt hair and a sort of stormy expression that said, “Keep away, I don’t want your bullshit.” She’s actually approached me first to ask a question about the math homework as we shared the class. Our friendship pretty much took off from there. She transferred into my high school during our senior year and though I was friendly with everyone in our grade, I didn’t have any close friends, so I think it was only natural that we would stick with each other. And we got along fabulously in a lot of other ways as well. Our basic personalities are mirror opposites, but we shared many of the same views and opinions, and our differences balanced each other out. Talk about don’t judge a book by its cover.
But later through the year, she started dressing more fashionably for whatever reason, and once we became friends, I couldn’t help admiring how beautiful she is. She has these elegant long legs with a well-balanced torso and bust, rosy fair skin, and an old Hollywood glamour sort of face, all large, liquid eyes and well-defined cheekbones. She cut her hair short recently so she has all these natural curls and locks just framing her face, and really, she looks like one of those old-fashioned black and white film actresses. Not so much the rich flamboyance of Marilyn Monroe, but something more refined and elegant.
When I went off to college, I missed her more than anybody else from my home town, including my own family. I don’t know, maybe my corgi came in a close second. Anyway, the fact that I missed her at all surprised me because I usually don’t miss people. After moving so many times, you learn to let go fast.
Then I noticed this other quirk of mine. It’s like I try to avoid touching her, which is what I do around crushes or guys I find attractive. I can usually sense when people are not the touchy-feely type, so even though I’m very much the hugger, I can respectfully back off. My friend isn’t as “huggy” as I am, but she’s also not the type to hiss away at the barest human touch which is kind of how I’m unconsciously treating her. I avoid sitting too close to her, I try not to brush fingers if we’re passing each other something, and I don’t exactly jump to hug her like I do with others. It’s so goddam weird because not of it is conscious like it would be around guys. Like I said earlier, I just started noticing all this.
And I’m starting to feel this disturbing new thing. It’s not so much that I want her all to myself — the very idea makes me feel weird — but that I want to spend more one-on-one time with her. Before, I didn’t really care if one or two others joined us, but now I really just want to have more occasions where it’s just the two of us.
God, she is just so pretty and I love spending time with her and talking with her and I just absolutely love her smile.
Wow, this all sounds either incredibly awkward or creepy or both. Oh lord, I hope she never reads this blog. I mentioned to her that I blog, but I neither told her the url nor showed her the site so there is very little chance of that. Same with any friends who might tell her. But “very little chance” doesn’t equal “no chance”…
Moving on, she hasn’t stated explicitly that she’s open to experimentation, but knowing her views on sexuality and LGBT things and the like, I don’t think she’s opposed either.
Problem is, one, she’s dating, though that will end soon due to a weird agreement between her and her boyfriend, and two, she’s probably as straight as can be within the fluidity of female sexuality.
Ahahaha, I can’t believe this. It’s like one of those rom-com movies where the best man is in love with the bride.
I won’t call this a crush and I refuse to see it as love, because I firmly believe it is neither. But I can no longer deny that I’m probably attracted to her to some degree.
Oh god, this is awful. So awfully awkward.
What do you all think? Any advice? If any of you are going through similar experiences, I would love to hear about it as well.